Forgiveness

About two years ago I bought The Courage to Heal. I was finally ready to confront this dark area of my past. I always thought, at the time, that there were certain sections I would never need. I would never need the confrontation/disclosure section or the forgiveness part. I reasoned that I would never see my cousin again because I was not in contact with my aunt, his mom. At the time I never saw that changing. I also thought I’d never forgive my mom or my brother. To me, at the time, forgiveness was giving too much up- I thought then that it meant what they did was okay. I still felt that way even though I had forgiven my father, who was mildly abusive when I was a kid, and he and I started fresh and it has been great.

Then, I attempted suicide. And in that attempt I had written a suicide letter to my mother. The letter has been shredded and thrown away since then, but I’ll never forget what I wrote at the end of the letter. It said, “I forgive you.” I have no memory of much of that night or what led up to it and for at least a week after. But I remember that even after my counselor shredded all the letters. For whatever reason, in what I thought were the last few breaths, I sought to forgive her. I always thought that my last parting words to her would be full of malice for what she put me through. But it wasn’t, not even close.

Then came the time about a month ago when I decided I wanted to find my lost family. That meant finding the mother of my abuser. I was actually hoping that he would be long gone or in jail at this point. I found his mother and we had a great visit. I also learned that the cousin was in town. He had been to jail and all kind of things. But I sat there and listened to my aunt and she said basically- I know my son has done some bad things and still might (alcohol and drugs), but he is my son and I love him. I felt compassion for the first time- mainly for his mom and maybe a little for him. I thought to myself- how can I ever tell her what her son did to me. I asked myself if I could take it if I didn’t tell her- do I want to risk losing her again? I think I am strong enough within myself to not tell her. I am already healing from the abuse and other people do know. What would I gain from breaking my silence there? So far, not enough gain. That’s when the word forgive came to my mind again.

I also talked to my aunt about my mother. At one point I admitted to her that I felt sad for my mom. She was surprised I would say that. Basically, my mom does live a lie much of the time. She stays in contact with her super abusive father. But he spared her- she did not know of the abuse that her siblings faced. My mom lived in her own little world even as a child. That was sad to me- that she could not see people for all their goodness. She just judges and pushes people. She will never ever know the depths of joy that I can feel because I also allow myself to feel sadness and anger deeply. And I see the beauty in people even if they are not near perfect or they screw up. I am sad because she does miss out on a lot of great relationships because she refuses to just accept and love someone for who they are. That is when the word forgive came to my mind yet again.

I know forgiveness of self comes first and I believe that I have that. So now I wonder if I have a new definition of forgiveness. I know that it’s not saying what they did was right. It is more about letting go- on my side of things. I think I have secretly already forgiven my mom, I just don’t want to admit it yet. I think I truly forgave her that one dark night. I find my self-talk saying she is the way she is and I still love her. I will do what I can and be there for her despite everything and she is family- and I realize what I will and will not get from her. She is my flesh and blood and the only mom I'll ever have. Forgiveness would help me let go of the anger…so that I can do the very thing she will never be able to do- love unconditionally.

Forgiving my cousin is a little different. I believe I have a lot of anger toward him that I don’t let go of- it sits there. And I don’t get very far- I wish to be intimate with no one. But it’s been a good ten years now since I’ve both seen him and since he did anything to me. Now, there have been others to hurt me sexually but that’s a different story for a different day. For a long time I thought forgiving him meant that what he did was okay. But maybe forgiveness is just a way to get on with our lives. I see his mom now and I don’t want to stop- I want to stay in contact with her. Not forgiving him and breaking my silence could end that…or she could end it with him- I don’t know. But I don’t think I really want to find out. Forgiving him really means that I will have relations with his mom and it means that I will spare her from knowing what happened. It will only bring pain and I just don’t want to do that. Forgiving him will get rid of the elephant in the room. Now, this all may change when I actually see him again- so we shall see. But somehow…I finally feel the need to just let go. Forgiveness would allow me to let go.

I guess Kiandra is right- never say never. These are new feelings for me, but I am open to them. Or maybe they have always been there and I’ve just been too closed up to let them touch me. I am in a new place in my life and maybe forgiveness is part of that new life.