Strong Enough

What exactly has been my problem the last few days? That’s what I have been asking myself. Then I realize a lot has gone on. I mean, I did talk to family that I haven’t spoken to or seen anywhere from ten to fifteen years ago. Then, I talked to my mom about it. Then I’ve had work issues, as in too much. Did I really think I could have gotten through this week without much of a problem. I say yes, even though now I see how deluded it is.

First, there is the issue of seeing the family. It’s a lot to take in. I know so many lies have been spoken and yet here are more sides to the story. Many times I just smile and nod. But it is a burden unraveling it all. But still, it was a great turn of events I think. I just forgot how much it took out of me. Plus, I know I will see that one cousin who sexually abused me at some point...and that will push me as far as what forgiveness really means and who deserves it and who is it really for. Talk about a head job.

Then I immediately returned to work and there is so much to do. Then my boss is having problems with me because while I rock at therapy, I suck at paperwork. But I think she was being overly hard. Plus, she herself told me to work less hours, but it’s almost impossible when I get in trouble for not answering my phone or email for a day. Still, it’s the work with the kids that is stressful- so much to do and so little time.

Third, my mother. I told her who I have seen and who I’ve talked to. She says she misses my aunt, her sister, a ton. She was like, I bet she didn’t talk to me because I pushed her. I just sat there- it was more than that. And my mom doesn’t get it…she just doesn’t. The whole acceptance piece of things. Then we got into her mother. She once again told me how crazy she was. I just sat there and looked at her and reminded her- I’m crazy too. And I tell her I don’t want to hear what she has to say- it doesn’t matter because I’m a grown adult and can make my own damn decisions.

I remember now that part of the reason I lost so much family was because of the burden having them around really is- my mom makes it hard. I still love her so much and I want to believe her, but I know I can’t. And then, I don’t know who to believe. And that is hard. Very hard.

I’m also on edge because I can’t afford about three of my medications because insurance is taking time to kick in. I see the difference it makes. I’m still doing okay, but it’s hard, I’m on the razors edge as far as moods go. I don’t want anyone around and I want to redo my whole room and just get refocused. But it’s hard to do that right now.

Though things are falling apart, that doesn’t mean I have to fall apart. I’m eating right still, working, sleeping, exercising (finally) and working through things. In the past I would just fall apart…this time I take care of things before they fall apart. That at least feels good.

I went down a whispering well and have come back up. I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t think I was strong enough- I know I am strong enough. But I can still say it hurts or that it makes me sad- the emotions are very real. But I’m strong enough to take it and work through it in a healthy way. That makes me proud inside. Things will be okay, I do know that.