Searching...

Last night I began an all out search for the addresses and phone numbers of my family. One aunt I was fairly certain of and the the other aunt and uncle were a little harder to find. But, I knew their ages and spouses and children so that helped narrow my search down. I better give everyone some alias' so I don't just use aunt and uncle.

"Kara" is my mom's younger sister and the one I was closest too before we lost contact. However, her oldest son is also the one that sexually abused me. "Rachel" is my mom's oldest sister and she had four children. Almost all dx with adhd I think and Kara's son too. "Chris" is my mom's only brother and the one I don't think I even met.

I find it interesting, that as far as I can tell- all of them have relatively little contact, despite being in the same city still. I am curious by nature and all I can say is, what in the hell happened to this family to break them all apart. My Dad also does not come from a great home, but the siblings are all intact and they all still talk to the mother and some still talk to the father. My Dad's side of the family (and his mothers side) all have a family reunion every two years. I went to the one two years ago. There was some abuse I know...yet that family is still relatively intact. My mom's is a whole different story.

I want to know that story. For whatever reason, I am not satisfied with the answers provided to me. Well, I know one answer is abuse. But that cannot be all of it because at one time they were closer. But it seems to have happened to every member of that family and then it affected them collectively. At least that is what I think.

Kiandra is always telling me to tell my stories. I think this is going to make one hell of a story. And for once- I am interested in not only telling this story, but finding out the story. For a long time I felt so alone because the only story I had was the one that was fed to me by my mother and others. I had no family- I knew that. But I knew I had a history- I had a family...once. A lot of emotions have run through me about all of this- from self blame and shame to lonliness.

Now I am well enough to search without the answers killing me. I don't expect a miracle with this family. As I stated in my letters to all of my family- I am just hoping for contact. To know that this person is on this Earth and my genes are in common with their genes. I suppose I have a hierchy. I really hope for stable contact with Kara- even though hers will carry the greatest amount of emotion. I am pretty sure I will have stable contact with my grandmother now which is great. For Rachel- I know she has history of problems and the four kids...so maybe contact for a time. Hopefully enough to construct a story. And then Chris...since I have never met him, I have the least amount of expectations. Maybe to know he is alive and what his life was like. Where he fits in this puzzle. Then maybe I'll know some of my cousins too. That'd be an added bonus.

No matter the outcome, I know I will be forever changed. This is a family I never knew. This is a history I never knew. I might not gain all of my family back, but it will be something and something is better than I ever got before.

I am searching and I hope soon I will have a story to tell. But most of all, I will have family.