Past

I think somewhere in our grand delusions we truly believe that our past won't come to haunt us. That we successfully ran from any major after effects of where we came from. That maybe, just maybe, we are a product of the here and now only. Or that we have risen above where we came from and that is all that needs to be said.

I'm no stranger to this delusion. I am the girl who came to my counselor saying, "my life is perfect, I'm just fucked up." We can laugh about that now. I tried to run from my past on many different occassions. Sometimes it was easy because I have a very bad memory of anything before the age of about 13. One time I asked my counselor how she eventually figured out the various pieces to me (i.e. abuse). She told me it was because of my actions. My actions, thoughts about myself and all of that stuff pointed to a child who was abused. Like my defense mechanisms- they were very strong, very tall and very thick. It took her a long time to penetrate even a little bit. To her, that signaled something very wrong- things I was hiding or things I was protecting myself from. Of course she was very right. Just like the notion that good parenting does not produce a child who self-injures. There is no getting around things like that.

For many years I fought my past, who I was and who I was becoming. I had to fight everything. First to accept what took place, it's place in my life now and who I could and would become. That is a hell of a process. But it brought me to this place in my life where things are okay. Finally.

Then, I decide to dedge up the past one more time.

This coming weekend I will be taking the road trip of my life- to find my family. The one I lost so long ago. But this road trip- it's only the beginning, only the start of the story. What is becoming increasingly evident to me is that what I am about to do will change everything. Before two weeks ago, I had my mom, step dad, two younger brothers, my step-grandparents, my grandfather (mom's) and step grandmother, and my Dad. Now, I know I have an older brother (but that's another story) and also family on my Dad's side. I know if I ever need them, they are there. We are all okay with the way things are. But, there were things missing in my eyes- biological family, a sense of family, my own flesh and blood. I had a longing for those part of my genetic tree. As much as I know my step family loves me, for me, there is a deep longing for a sense of family- where I came from. So the past, I drudge up.

For a while, I was only thinking of myself and how the lost family members would impact my life. But now I know, my existence in their life will change theirs too. I keep thinking in my head that next week I am going to go to my mother and say, "Mom, I went to go see Tricia." That would be her mother who she has not spoken to in over fifteen years. Seeing my family is no longer just going to impact me, but many others too. I try to play in my head how that conversation will go, but I can't. This is unheard of. So suddenly, the thought of my grandmother is now in my mom's life. Then if I go on and tell her about her three siblings. I've just changed my entire family. Even if I do not get good reception, contact will have been made, lives will be changed.

I don't think I'm quite prepared for the aftershocks. Like what would happen if Kara's oldest son is still living at home. He sexually abused me during my middle school years. Am I strong enough to face him? I want to say yes, but I never thought it to be a possibility and sometimes I think I still don't believe it's a possibility. Am I prepared with rejection? It has been at least four days or so since I left a message on Kara's answering machine. I am thinking maybe I had the wrong number and/or the wrong address. I'm trying to verify now. I'm trying not to over-think it. Maybe they are on vacation- it is the summer. Or something. Who knows.

This all sounded great when I started this odyssey. But there are real implications to finding my family. Some I know are going to be great and some I know aren't. I may not get all the answers I seek and I may not get the contact I want. But, at least I can say I tried and with all of my heart. That's what is important I think. I seem to always be the epitome of what my mother hates...but I do love myself...so I must love these people she compares me too. They are family. I don't know how my mom gets along without at least a small longing for them. Then again, she found a man with the right family and turns a blind eye to what my grandfather did...that's how she gets along. I hope though, some nights she can't sleep because of everything that happened. Or how she is a part of a woman, a mother, and she doesn't even know.

My mom put me through the ringer and sometimes still does. She has admitted at times that her love is conditional. But despite even being told that if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't have had me...I still love her, I still choose to have her remain in my life and I still choose to love her unconditionally. So, how in the world...did she ever close the door to her mother. I've heard accounts of things that happened...and if I was my mom, it would be my grandfather I would have nothing to do with. Maybe it's because he has the money. I don't know. Maybe she truly is narcisstic and her father can serve in a way that her mother can't. But given the choice...I will always choose love over money. A sense of family over alienation.

I come from a long line of imperfection and I've seen all of my family choose to either embrace their imperfections and lead a life of family and love and friendship or fight against imperfection, always struggling to be perfect but never achieving that unreachable goal and thus their life is less about family and more about bettering themselves constantly. I was under the microscope of perfection for most of my life and I paid dearly for it. In the last fear years I have embraced my imperfections and have strived to live a good life. And maybe that is where my mom and I now split.

My past has a place in my life these days. I know what happened, I understand the effects it has had on me and my future. And I made my peace with all of it. But now I have turned and stared the past in the face- not just my own, but my family's. I just want to know- to investigate- to listen- to learn and finally to love. I'll see where it goes from there. My past is a roadmap and this weekend I will travel there and I know along the way I'll have some of my heart broken and some of my heart mended. That's all I can ask for.