Family

Family. It’s an interesting concept really, if you think about it. A bunch of people tied together through blood and genes. Sometimes I think of it in those terms, but it must be more than that.

I arrived today at my Nana’s (Dad’s mom) knowing that I could wear short sleeves, though my scars are a bright and dark red. I arrived knowing I could raise any subject and it was okay- things are out in the open. I could ask her questions knowing she would give me answers that she thought were true. When I’m a guest, I always like to instantly help with the dishes and cooking and setting the table- all of that. Each time I rose to get out of my seat, she made me sit back down. Told me I was her guest. She let me bring my dog.

This is my family. My Nana asked me all kinds of questions about what I went through. An open conversation about mental illness and the whole therapy process- never in my mothers life would that happen. My aunt asked me questions tonight- she really wanted to understand. Partly because one son has cerebral palsy and other disorders. But- how great to just be accepted.

I have spent the past two days with people that look like me, act like me and love me. I can’t put into words what this weekend is going and already means to me. I never imagined this would be the effect. I went here searching for my mothers family, but what I am quickly learning is that I am finding myself through my fathers family as well.

I spent so much of my life under a perfection microscope and then living with my life as a secret. There were so many things I could or could not do because of what someone might say or think. Here…all I have to do is be myself to have their love. They love me just because I exist and I am family. I don’t feel out of place here. I think I found my place.

I’m starting to feel whole again. I say again because I can remember times when I was around seven where I felt family- I had a mom and dad, two sets of grandparents, two sets of aunts and uncles and I felt loved. Sure, lots of abuse was going on at the time, but I don’t think it seemed as bad because I felt loved, even if just by my cousin Adam. And that made the difference. Memories are returning to me now. This is a journey. This is my family and I feel…different. I love this. I love my family.