Secrets and Lies and Truth

I found out many things about my family on this trip, including the many secrets, lies and truth that exists. I knew starting out that when I heard what someone had to say, to take with a grain of salt. Each person seems to have some version of the truth- the version they believe. It is not my duty to necessarily find THE truth, but to find out the truth that everyone believes.

I know I'll never get a straight answer about my maternal grandmother. Everyone seems to have their say of what happened to them and to what degree they do not like her. I think I will just take her as she is and not judge her by what happened in the past. So far she has been okay to me and I am okay with that truth.

I think I did find out quite a bit about my cousins, especially on my mom's side. It appears almost all have children before they were twenty, are alcholics and druggies. I'm not entirely surprised, but I am a little. My aunt asked me how I did it- how I rose above it all. I told her it was about choice, because it is. I made a choice when I was young that I would strive to succeed in this world and not do what my family history was at the time. I saw what was not working- the lives shattered, the abuse, the divorce, the hate. Though my life was never great, I went through my share of bad times, I made a conscious choice to do good. I think back to my favorite line, "I never saved anything for the swim back." I didn't, I kept going without looking back until I could afford to, which is now.

I have gained some new cousins though! Aunt "Kara" has a son that is fourteen named "Jared." He is also doing very well and I'm happy to be a part of his life now. Her other son is another story, but another one who made bad choices. My dad's sister, aunt "Cate" was awesome. Though some of her sons have not done so well, they seem to be pulling themselves out of it and I think they'll be just fine. But she has two new kiddo's that are seven and four. I adore them and it will rock to be their older cousin :-) It's great...I just feel connected now. It's not me all alone anymore.

Another great thing was being able to just be me. That means open conversations about mental illness, mental wellness, old scars, the abuse and the future. Never did I feel like I couldn't say something. That is an awesome feeling. With all of my step side of the family- I felt like a secret- I could never say anything really...I could only talk about the good, or the weather or a hobby. I couldn't say, "Hey Ms. "Fisk," what do you think about bipolar?" Yeah right.

Sometimes I wonder though...is it the step grandparents or whoever...or is it my mom? She is the one who says, don't say this or don't say that. I wonder what would happen if I did. Mom could be right, who knows...not me. More secrets, lies and hidden truth.

My real truth? I finally feel apart of a family. They accept and love me for who I am. They are like me- I see myself in so many members of the family. I can look at pictures and know my family. Sure, lot of bad news coarsing through our family...but we are all recovering and doing pretty damn good. These days I see that I am not the only one making good choices. The bad choices seemed to be the popular ones for all of my cousins and our generation, but there is a new generation of cousins making the good choices. And for a few, like Aunt Cate's, they are returning to the good choices. I will be the first to hold a college degree, but I can see now that I won't be the last.

Dar Williams says the truth is like a second chance and I think she is right. Even if I was given lies this trip around...I found my own truth that I didn't even know I was searching for. That I belong to a family...that despite my life and genes I am doing very well and I will have a great life ahead of me. I can see that despite all of the bad choices I made...in the end my good choices are winning. I never thought I'd see that day...but here it is. That is my truth.